Warming Things Up on the Second Date Can Impact Your Date's Perceptions

Ok. We’ve all been there. Fighting off the first date jitters can be quite a job.

 A call to the best friend for support, an emergency chat with your therapist (or the first available neighbor at the mailbox) and possibly even a one-sided conversation with your furry pet.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SECOND DATE?

Those first date jitters grew into real anticipation in the past few days and now, expectations of another great time are running high. And here comes the mental hamster wheel:    “What if tonight isn’t as good as last time?” “Were they really that attractive or was it just really excellent lighting?” “What if I LOVE tonight and they decide they don’t want to date anymore?”

Wow! First off,  breathe! The first date ice has been broken and it sounds like the two of you are interested enough in each other for a second date. Remember, dating is just about getting to know some better. That's it.

Second, you have a date to get ready for, so here's a little insight into human perceptions courtesy of Dr. Amy Muise.  In order to keep things going well, you need to warm things up . . . literally.  Research has been done that proves that physical warmth impacts perception of a person’s physiological warmth. What? No really.

Muise, a social psychologist, revealed a study that showed offering a hot cup of coffee as opposed to an iced-coffee to someone, positively influenced the opinion of the receiver of the beverage...the person who was offered something warm (soup, a beverage, whatever) rated the person who offered the warmth as more "friendly" and "trustworthy" as opposed to the participants who were offered something cold. All good opinions, especially for a second date.

So, the lesson? When it’s time to order...BRING ON THE HEAT! Maybe opt for teriyaki instead of sushi, coffee instead of iced tea, and you’ll have a better chance of securing that third date!

*http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/8/9/how-to-warm-things-up-on-your-next-date.html

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Get Your Flirt on This Halloween

Could your future mate be behind that Jason mask? Is the Game of Thrones character your soul mate in disguise?

According to an It's Just Lunch survey, forty-six percent (46%) of singles think you can and that it is the perfect occasion to meet singles.

While getting fixed up by friends and co-workers or surfing dating sites is a traditional approach to finding a soul mate, stepping outside of your comfort zone and trying some new dating avenues (such as a Halloween bash) expands your possibilities and increases your confidence ten-fold.

So, how do you go about catching Little Red's eye? How do you strike up a conversation with the sexy vampire? You're in luck. Here are a few tips for getting your flirt on this All Hallows Eve:

1) Look for the Why & How
Flirting is about getting to know someone else. People love it when you ask questions that let them show you who they are. Most people will only inquire about the surface things, such as "Great costume." "Love the outfit." Take it a step further by asking them "why" they chose their costume or HOW they ended up coming up with that unique idea. It will add interest on their part and set you apart from the other party goers.

2) Tell It Like It Is
Being vulnerable and honest, even from behind the Jason mask, is the slam-dunk, sexiest thing a man or woman can be. Go beyond "It's just something I threw together" with "She was my favorite character in 'Firefly'. I admire her strength and sense of duty."

3) Listen Attentively
Being a good listener is a potent aphrodisiac and an excellent ingredient for weaving your magic. Everyon loves teh feeling of being full seen -- and heard.

4) Make Meaningful Eye Contact & Smile
This 1-2 punch transports these simple actions from the realm of friendship to the world of flirting. Let your eyes linger on his/hers while you are talking and smile.

5) Laugh
One of the best ways to demonstrate your sense of humor is by appreciating the other persons.

6) Be Enthusiastic
when flirting, you want the person you are flirting with to feel good about you and to experience you as a fun, happy, great-to-be-with person. Enjoy the encounter -- no matter what happens. If you seem like you're glad to be mixing and mingling with the creatures of the night -- they will be also.

7) Go In For The Lean
Lean forward to convey interest -- this is easy to do over the background noise of music and conversation.

8) Be Open and Accessible
Smiling and talking to various people (meaning: break free from your pack) sends the signal that you are approachable.

Above all else, have fun. You never know when cupid will strike. As long as you keep your expectations in check. Go with the intention of making a friend rather than expecting to meet your life partner. You'll have more fun and experience way less performance anxiety.

Happy Halloween!

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Second Chance: Why You Should Say "Yes" to A Second Date

So, the date is coming to a close and that confident, funny, super-sexy self that cruised through lunch just flew out the window.  At this point you are in one of three places:

• Excited and can't wait to see him/her again;
• You're convinced that this isn't the one for you;
• Or perhaps you're unsure.

If you're digging him/her, let them know and ask for the second date.  If not, this might be a great time to thank your date for a wonderful lunch and leave it at that. Tell them whether you're interested in seeing them again or not. Most people appreciate it when you speak your mind, but make sure you don't just dump your feelings on them. Be responsible and kind. 

But if you are on the fence after the first date, consider pursuing a second one. Some people, even though they try their best, just can't relax until the second date.  Or maybe last time they were having a bad day and you didn't get to see the absolutely charming individual they really are.  A lot of people suffer from first-date jitters. In fact, fear is the number one cause for first-date disasters and often leads to over-talking or out-of-character shyness.

Change things up for attempt number two with a round of golf, a bike ride or a game of tennis. A number of people find it easier to open up and connect with someone when they are moving around. 

Trust your instincts and you'll be surprised at how perceptive you really are when it comes to love.

An instinctive gut feeling can draw you to Mr. or Ms. Right, even if they don't match all your criteria on paper. You probably have friends who are with partners who you would never have thought they'd be with. What brings people like that together? They trusted their gut.

Basically, we all want the same things in a partner: honesty, trust, good communication, confidence, fun and understanding. If we can add chemistry to that -- then bingo!

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Professional Singles and Attraction

How many dates does it usually take for you to decide whether you are attracted to someone or not? It’s Just Lunch asked its Facebook community of professional singles and the answers varied between one and three dates.

Here at It’s Just Lunch, we realize that attraction plays a huge role in the chemistry of dating. In fact, when it comes to determining romantic chemistry, most of the busy professional singles we work with focus very heavily on physical attributes, especially those who look 10 years younger than their actual age as well as those with a strong commitment to fitness and health. It’s only natural to want to be matched up with someone who looks as good and fit as yourself.

The problem with this kind of attraction, however, is that it doesn’t take into account the kind of attraction that is built over a period of time the more you get to know someone. Since time isn’t exactly a luxury for busy singles dating, there are actually a few body language tricks you could use to create instant attraction with someone you are really interested in.

#1) Always smile. Smiles are almost as contagious as sneezes and lets your date know that you are friendly and inviting. Even if you aren’t sure what to say, a smile can go a long way letting your date know that you’re having a great time and enjoy their company.

#2) Keep an open posture. Good body language conveys more than just confidence. It also conveys interest. Are your shoulders and feet facing your date or the door? Are you arms crossed or resting comfortably at your sides? Pay attention to message you’re sending with your body.

#3) Maintain eye contact. Some say that the eyes tell no lies. You can make your date feel uneasy if you’re looking everywhere in the room but at him or her, or you can signal your attraction to your date with a lingering gaze.

#4) Mirror their body language. You can put your date at ease by mimicking their tone of voice or their body language to create an illusion of being in tune with each other. It’s a great way to build rapport with someone new making it easier to connect and communicate.

In general, just be mindful of the way you communicate with your date. Only a small percentage of communication occurs through the words we speak. More than half of all the talking is actually done with your body.

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Dating Meets the Canadian Cold Season

With November coming, we Canadians can count on 3 things: shorter days, colder weather, and the dreaded cold and flu season! The cold remedy ads are already ramped up to full and one by one we see our colleagues fall to ‘the worst cold ever’…at least for a few days. And yes, it messes up a lot of well-laid plans - especially, if you are a matchmaker setting up first dates!

Unfortunately, we all only get one chance at a first date. What if this is THE ONE…and I am coming down with a brutal cold? Do I take a double dose of Cold FX and pray I will be “ok” or do I risk altering the universe by postponing my perfect date?

Those questions run through the minds of most single people this time of year. And yes, while it is never nice to have a bad cold, it’s a lot more comforting when you are in a stable relationship, and can count on your mate to see you through.

But, it is our reality…so as a professional matchmaker, here is my best advice!

 Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s a good place to start.

• No one wants to catch a cold. And no one wants to go out with you if you are coughing, wheezing and sneezing.

• Most of us don’t like last minute cancellations.

• There is a tomorrow!

So the best plan is to contact your date as early as you can, and make an alternate arrangement.  Be sure they know you are disappointed!  Then, reconnect as soon as you are back on your feet.

But what if it hits you just as the date is about to start? That feverish flush, the tingling scalp… but they are already on their way.  Well, that is a tough call.  If it’s not too bad, maybe suggest a slightly quieter and relaxed venue. But if it’s really hitting you, then you will need to apologize, laugh about the misfortune, and stay in touch. The important thing is to be genuine, and ensure they know that you really did want to get together!

The other thing we Canadians know is that we will recover, the days will get longer, and hopefully your rescheduled date will go well!  Maybe next time your date can bring you some tea and a box of Kleenex!

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How do I get a date?

We can get a fabulous dinner easily enough...thank you Open Table!!! We can pick out the perfect car and get a great deal...thank you promotion at work. We even can get new living room furniture WITHOUT leaving the living room.

So, in this day and age of convenience and in a time in our lives when things are running just fine, why is it so hard to get a date?

The problem certainly isn’t that there AREN’T any potentials out there. We see plenty of attractive, well-dressed, successful looking individuals out there. So why don’t we get to meet them? The folks that we really want to meet that is, not the guy who still lives at home with his mom, or your friend’s trainer from the gym who is “really hot”. 

Now, more than ever it can be more difficult for successful people, particularly successful women, to find dates who measure up to their expectations. 

So how do we solve this dilemma? Well, at It’s Just Lunch Toronto, we’ve known how important it is to match our successful clients with quality individuals for more than 20 years. The secret of our success lies in knowing that creating lasting relationships is based on a date with someone who you really want to date again. So, let us set you up on a great date. All you have to do is just show up and enjoy. Mission accomplished. 

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Stopping to Smell the Roses

There sure is a lot of buzzing about online dating these days. The water-cooler which was once a glorious place to waste a few minutes of a very long day is now ruined with profile speak. Heck, you can’t even peacefully grind your teeth in the 10 items or less line without being subjected to a fascinating conversation about choosing the right “user name”. 

According to the commercials, featuring the most attractive people (models), with the whitest teeth you’ve ever seen (caps), there’s a hot model with perfect gums that practices your exact religion, subscribes to your favorite reading materials (Wow! They read too!), and is just waiting for you to jump online and find them. And if for some reason, you two don’t hit it off, there are 100 more just like them.

So does all this dental work live up to its promise? Are people really falling in love left and right like an episode of the Love Boat on ecstasy? 

According to a recent study*, what online dating has accomplished is a platform where  “romantic browsing triggers” happen. Instead of considering a potential partner on specific characteristics that would align with your true ideals, speedy decisions are made, based upon finding, “the best” profile, which of course includes a picture. This study found that when folks were faced with many profiles (up to 90), they made faster decisions, and wrote potentials off quicker, instead of weighing important information. These hasty decisions demonstrated that people forgot what they were really looking for in a mate. In contrast, those who had to select from say four people, considered real options, and complex information for a potential partner. This same study also found that going on a REAL date was more productive in truly getting to know someone, than just online chatting. 

The morale of the study? Take time to smell the roses! Focusing on what you want, going out on a date, and then deciding what comes next. We at It’s Just Lunch® are proud of our 20 years of dating success stories. No user names, no photos, ...ever. Just lunch with someone specifically matched to your interests and values.

*Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online dating: A critical analysis from the perspective of psychological science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3–66.

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Give Chemistry a Second Chance

It has happened to everyone who has played the dating game.  It's the end of the date and you are lukewarm about the other person and on the fence about what to do regarding a second date. Before you write off this person as a potential match, consider giving chemistry a second chance.

Men and women, even though they try their best, often can't relax until the second date.  There's a chance that you didn't get to see who they really are because they were distracted by their own nervousness or events of the day.

In It's Just Lunch's e-book "20 Years of First Dates", one-third of surveyed singles reported that they have had a bad or lukewarm date lead to a longer term relationship. If the other person shows interest in going out again, consider saying yes.  There's a chance they see something you don't and it may pay off for both of you.

If you agree to a second date, change things up by turning the second date into a physical activity. Many people find it easier to open up and connect with someone when they are moving around.  

Looking for second date activity inspiration? In an article by Marie Claire, "51 Second Date Ideas," some of the ideas included making ice cream, going on a picnic, hitting the local bowling alley, picking fruit at a local farm, go wine tasting or visiting a museum.  Most of the suggested ideas were low on time investment but could produce giant results in the chemistry department.

A second date may be just want the two of you needed to tap into chemistry and make a more solid connection.

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Debunking Dating Myths, Part 1: Setting Expectations

For anyone going on a first date, there are lots of initial questions that can pop into one’s head, ranging from “will I be attracted to them in person?” to “what kind of plans should I make tonight?” It’s Just Lunch recently surveyed singles around the world to get a sense for the “state of the first date”.

Heightened expectations
Do looks really matter? Most people have natural attractions toward others based on hair color, skin color, body types, and so on. Even though we’re constantly inundated with images of sexy celebs and other attractive figures, most of the time we have a general idea of the type of person we like. Some people may have a specific type, while others are a little broader in their perspective—and having a firm opinion either way is a good thing!

However, we did ask both men and women a simple question that seems to come up time and time again. Does height really matter?  The results aren’t surprising. Typically, two out of three men want to date women who are shorter than they are, and they believe women want the same thing. Ladies, you overwhelmingly responded that you’d like to date guys who are taller, and believe men are on the same page. So what’s the takeaway if we all already knew this? Guys, do not fib about your height before going on a date. Adding an inch or two (no pun intended) really won’t help your cause, from a statistical standpoint.

However, when it comes to sheer attractiveness, women may not have guys figured out after all. We separately asked men and women if guys prefer looks to brains. Most women believe they do. However the guys told a different story: a majority of men would date someone who is smart over someone who just brings a pretty face to bring to the table. Ladies, use the power of wit and confidence to overwhelm your guy on a date.  Trust us, he’ll appreciate it.

The Money Question
When it comes to money, this question comes up on a date both directly and indirectly (and we’ll cover the direct part in a second.) According to our survey, both men and women candidly agreed that they want the other to make more money, which kind of brings us to an impasse. However, from what we can deduce, this isn’t about who brings home a larger paycheck. This is simply a matter of being on equal footing. While it’s nice to be able to pay for dinner or treat someone to an outing, it’s also nice to get some reciprocity once in a while.

On that note, our survey results revealed that seven out of ten women don’t always want the guy to pay the bill—and guys believed the same thing. Picking up the tab is certainly a nice gesture on a first or second dinner date, but it often isn’t required. The way we see it, if the guy picks up a tab at dinner; ladies, if you’re clicking along and having fun, treat him to an after dinner drink. Guys, if your date kindly insists on splitting the bill at dinner and you’re heading out for more fun, pick up her movie or drink tab later in the night.

To close out Part 1 of our survey, we asked both men and women the following question: “would women rather have champagne and lobster or burgers and a beer.” Again, the results were pretty clear on both sides, with 71% of men and an 82% of women responding that burgers and beers trump lobster and bubbly on a first or second date. Why? Simply put, the point of dating is to get to know someone. While it’s certainly important to impress, a nice yet casual dinner puts both men and women at ease and allows both personalities to emerge naturally. Head to a fancy restaurant, and you might not be as open as you think. Relaxed confidence is always sexy, so be human when you’re starting out and you might just click with your date better than you initially think.

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Dating, Chemistry and Timing

After interviewing a lot of single men and women on their dating experiences, It’s Just Lunch managed to get some real, inside information on what men and women are really looking for when they meet someone for the first time. We’ve offered tips on making a good first impression, flirting and wordplay, and tips for both sexes on what they expect out of someone on a first date. However, through all the tips and tricks, sometimes it just comes down to chemistry and timing. So what are those two seemingly nebulous yet important parts of a date? 

You Can’t Force Chemistry… But You Can Coax It Along
So what is chemistry? Most people aren’t sure exactly what it is, but they know it when they feel it. If you have good chemistry with someone, such as on a first date, you’ll want to pursue more time with him or her. If there is bad chemistry, then it’s unlikely you’ll want to see each other again. Whatever the case, most singles – almost 66% of our respondents – said that chemistry is the single most important part of a first date; more so than even initial compatibility. While a couple may not be perfect on paper, a first date may reveal a lot more than what is in a profile. In fact, almost 44% of singles said that if they “felt comfortable being themselves” it meant the first date was a success. And listen up, ladies: 49% of men said that being able to feel comfortable as themselves on a first date was a sure sign of a good one.

 On occasion, there will be times where a first date will reveal no chemistry whatsoever. While this isn’t a bad thing, it might mean that one person wasn’t comfortable opening up, or perhaps there was mutual defensiveness on both sides. Again, while you can’t necessarily force chemistry, you can take some of the tips we have covered on www.itsjustlunchvancouverblog.com to help coax it in the right direction.

Confidence Has A Lot To Do With Interviewing… That, and Timing
The comparison may seem a little cold, but let’s face it: first dates are very much like interviews. Exude confidence, be comfortable in your own skin, be interested and kind to your first date, and chances are you’ll get a second one. However, there is a window in which most people decide on whether or not they’ll want to see someone again. According to our respondents, 44% of women and 46% of men decide within the first twenty minutes whether or not a second date is in the cards. The good news is that since a previous survey in 2004, both men and women are gradually deciding later and later in the date as to whether or not they want to see each other again. For example, in 2004, almost 80% of guys decided whether or not to take a woman out again within the first 15 minutes!

Dating Material or Relationship Material?
If the chemistry and compatibility is right, most men and women start thinking about when they want see each other again. However, are they merely thinking about a second date, or are they thinking about a relationship? Hold on to your hats, guys: 45% reflected on a first date and then asked yourselves, “Is she relationship material?” On the other hand, almost 51% of women are more likely to consider whether they want a second date or not, while 39% asked themselves if a guy was relationship material.

Even though it seems a lot can happen within the first hour of a date that makes a single decide whether or not they want to see someone again, the best thing to do is just slow it down. Dating, and much like the relationships that can follow, are marathons; not sprints. With all the complex intricacies that can occur on in a first date, it’s tough to expect perfection. If we let our guards down a bit and relax, have fun, be comfortable in our own skin and make our dates comfortable in theirs, you’ll never know what kind of surprises you’ll discover.

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