Warming Things Up on the Second Date Can Impact Your Date's Perceptions

Ok. We’ve all been there. Fighting off the first date jitters can be quite a job.

 A call to the best friend for support, an emergency chat with your therapist (or the first available neighbor at the mailbox) and possibly even a one-sided conversation with your furry pet.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SECOND DATE?

Those first date jitters grew into real anticipation in the past few days and now, expectations of another great time are running high. And here comes the mental hamster wheel:    “What if tonight isn’t as good as last time?” “Were they really that attractive or was it just really excellent lighting?” “What if I LOVE tonight and they decide they don’t want to date anymore?”

Wow! First off,  breathe! The first date ice has been broken and it sounds like the two of you are interested enough in each other for a second date. Remember, dating is just about getting to know some better. That's it.

Second, you have a date to get ready for, so here's a little insight into human perceptions courtesy of Dr. Amy Muise.  In order to keep things going well, you need to warm things up . . . literally.  Research has been done that proves that physical warmth impacts perception of a person’s physiological warmth. What? No really.

Muise, a social psychologist, revealed a study that showed offering a hot cup of coffee as opposed to an iced-coffee to someone, positively influenced the opinion of the receiver of the beverage...the person who was offered something warm (soup, a beverage, whatever) rated the person who offered the warmth as more "friendly" and "trustworthy" as opposed to the participants who were offered something cold. All good opinions, especially for a second date.

So, the lesson? When it’s time to order...BRING ON THE HEAT! Maybe opt for teriyaki instead of sushi, coffee instead of iced tea, and you’ll have a better chance of securing that third date!

*http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/8/9/how-to-warm-things-up-on-your-next-date.html

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When They Don't Call

You had the most incredible first date with a person you thought had massive potential. In fact, you felt so positive about the encounter that you were willing to bet the second date would blow the first one out of the water. You couldn't quit talking about the event with your bestie while you wait . . . and wait . . . for the call that never comes.

You start to obsess, rationalize and wonder what went wrong with anyone who would listen. Did you imagine the chemistry? Perhaps there was something wrong with your hair? Did you give him the wrong digits? Maybe she lost her phone? Did you say something wrong?

Your pals are supportive and say "it's not you, it's him/her" but you still want to know why your dream date has suddenly vanished. Why ---

Stop right there. Avoid the personal blame game. Don't go down the obsession road. It's never pretty and will only take a good sized chunk of your self-confidence.

There's only one person that knows why the other person didn't call. It's not you. It's not your mother, the cat or the girl behind the coffee counter. It's the person you went out with. Drop your date one follow-up email (READ: That's one as in single, solo, once. It's not repeatedly throughout the day and at odd hours of the night). If you don't receive a response, cut your emotional ties right away and go on your merry way.

He may have lost his job, realized she's not over her last relationship, or their non-committer tendencies took over. Regardless, the key isn't to take it personally. There are billions of people on this planet, so even if there was no chemistry or connection on his/her part, who cares? There are plenty more out there. And, his/her lack of communication with you only opened the door for the right one.

I'm not going to say it isn't tough. No one likes rejection. But the true mark of successful dating isn't when they call for a second date. It's have the courage to stand up after stumbling and head back out into the field.

This brings up another issue, a causal factor, one might say. Many times, at the end of the date, one or both parties say that they've had a wonderful time and would like to do it again, sometime.  Even if they don't mean it.

As a matter of good dating etiquette, it's always better to be honest.  If you're not interested in seeing someone again, at the end of a date,  tell them it was great meeting them but that you don't feel any chemistry.  This way, no one is left wondering when you don't call.

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Is Our Dating Life Already Hardwired Into Us?

We attempt to program our lives all the time-we DVR our favorite shows so we can watch them whenever and where-ever we want. We bookmark our favorite websites so we can visit them more conveniently. We even have  the numbers of our friends and family programmed in our cell phones, so we can reach them with just a touch of a button and never have to remember the actual number. But, have we been doing this with our dating life as well?

A while back we at It’s Just Lunch® conducted several important surveys on dating, that covered major topics impacting men and women’s decision to date certain people, such as career, education, and money. The results produced quite a stir and brought up thought-provoking ideas from the psychological, sociological, and professional communities about how we “choose” our partners and how specifically men and women differ in this area.

In a recent Wall Street Journal Article discussing our survey, Psychiatrist Scott Carroll said that the emerging field of evolutionary psychology views "dating upward" as being in-bred in females. "Current scientific thinking is that women's tendency to seek more successful males is part of a genetic survival program. The exceptions to this rule are when women will seek either a physically dominant male for physical protection or a more nurturing male if the woman is more masculine and highly successful herself."

Lawyer and blogger Chaton Turner disagreed. She said, "I think that it comes from conditioning as opposed to genetics." She added that she had always bucked the trend; dating a variety of men regardless of age, height, and wealth. 

So, what do you think? Visit us on our Facebook page to join the conversation. 

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Is it just lunch or is it more?

As matchmaker, I often come across interesting studies that relate to the intricacies of dating and courtship. A recent study released by researchers at Cornell University really caught my attention…

The Researchers, Kevin Kniffen and Brian Wansink, were interested in the importance of what they refer to as ‘commensality’. Yes, I had to Google that, and it means ‘the practice of eating meals at the same table.’ They asked the question, “Does sharing food involve sharing more than just food?” And there answer was a resounding YES.

To investigate this, participants in their research study were asked to rate how jealous they (Study 1) – or their best friend (Study 2) – would be if their current romantic partner were contacted by an ex-romantic partner and subsequently engaged in an array of food- and drink-based activities. They consistently found – across both men and women – that meals elicit more jealousy than face-to-face interactions that do not involve eating, such as having coffee. These findings suggest that people generally presume that sharing a meal enhances cooperation. In the context of romantic pairs, they found that participants are attuned to relationship risks that extra-pair commensality can present. For romantic partners left out of a meal, they found a common view that lunch, for example, is not“just lunch.” In fact, knowing your partner is having lunch with an ex can trigger sexual tension!

Their tests found the lowest rated activity in terms of eliciting jealousy was email correspondence. A live phone chat was somewhat higher. The next step up was face-to-face interaction, over a coffee. But what was particularly interesting was the elevated jealousy recorded when the face-to-face meeting occurred over lunch, and involved eating a meal together, versus just consuming a beverage.

Now here is a fun part of their research report. They found it interesting that the world’s most successful non-internet dating service was called‘It’s Just Lunch’, and postulated that the implicit behavioural associations that relate to ‘communal preparation and consumption of food may impart an advantage to It’s Just Lunch’…as people intuitively know that there is more to this whole thing than just lunch!

Who knows if it does? But my two cents worth is that that Lunch is a great way to approach a first date. Because it is mid-day, it reduces the stress of ‘what to wear, and what to do after’. Because it typically has a time line of about an hour, it is a comfortable amount of time to get a solid first impression of someone you are meeting for the first time. And because you are in a public place, it gives you the opportunity see how a potential date interacts with others such as waiters, and so on and this always helps you gauge chemistry.

So my advice is to get out from behind your computer, put down your smart phones, and Do Lunch this summer with someone you find interesting. Maybe it will turn out to be more than just lunch!

But if you really like being behind your computer, you can read the full report at:http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0040445

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Geekology and Dating

Our gadget-obsessed, high-tech world has embraced the idea of “geek” as chic, whether it’s in television with hit shows like The Big Bang Theory or adding a pair of smart specs to your accessory bin.  But how does this trend translate into the dating world?
We discovered that the majority of people, 73% of men and 64% of women say nerdy qualities in a partner are cool, even normal for this day and age. But still, almost one out of four men and almost one out of three women think they would be turned off by someone who is a hard core geek.
It’s Just Lunch’s take: Intelligence is definitely sexy. Show your geeky side, but don’t let it dominate—unless perhaps you’re with a fellow geek. It’s one thing to flex your brain, but if it leads to awkward behavior then you’re doing it wrong.

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Men are more interested in a relationship than women?

In our Dating Trends survey we asked singles: “When you are on a first date, what thought is going through your head?”  We received an unexpected result: not only did men and women have different top answers, but the first choice given by 47% of men, “Could we have a relationship together?” was one that in the past would have seemed more typical of women.  Instead, women’s top answer, given by 50% of those polled, was the less stressful “Do I want to see him again?”  Our Dating Trends surveys are beginning to show that men and women are becoming more alike in their dating habits and in some areas, they’re beginning to trade places. 

 Another area where men and women are becoming more alike, especially over the last seven years, is in how fast they decide on a first date whether or not they want to see someone again. In 2004, there was a huge disparity, where 79% of men took fifteen minutes or less--and 64% of women took an hour or more! In 2011, 60% of men and 55% of women take twenty minutes or less. Unfortunately these results are not surprising.  We are so used to demanding and getting instant information that we are beginning to become impatient and closed off, sometimes to our own detriment.  

So what should we do?  Maybe we all should slow down a bit when meeting someone for the first time.  Give the relationship time to develop.

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Dating, Chemistry and Timing

After interviewing a lot of single men and women on their dating experiences, It’s Just Lunch managed to get some real, inside information on what men and women are really looking for when they meet someone for the first time. We’ve offered tips on making a good first impression, flirting and wordplay, and tips for both sexes on what they expect out of someone on a first date. However, through all the tips and tricks, sometimes it just comes down to chemistry and timing. So what are those two seemingly nebulous yet important parts of a date? 

You Can’t Force Chemistry… But You Can Coax It Along
So what is chemistry? Most people aren’t sure exactly what it is, but they know it when they feel it. If you have good chemistry with someone, such as on a first date, you’ll want to pursue more time with him or her. If there is bad chemistry, then it’s unlikely you’ll want to see each other again. Whatever the case, most singles – almost 66% of our respondents – said that chemistry is the single most important part of a first date; more so than even initial compatibility. While a couple may not be perfect on paper, a first date may reveal a lot more than what is in a profile. In fact, almost 44% of singles said that if they “felt comfortable being themselves” it meant the first date was a success. And listen up, ladies: 49% of men said that being able to feel comfortable as themselves on a first date was a sure sign of a good one.

 On occasion, there will be times where a first date will reveal no chemistry whatsoever. While this isn’t a bad thing, it might mean that one person wasn’t comfortable opening up, or perhaps there was mutual defensiveness on both sides. Again, while you can’t necessarily force chemistry, you can take some of the tips we have covered on www.itsjustlunchvancouverblog.com to help coax it in the right direction.

Confidence Has A Lot To Do With Interviewing… That, and Timing
The comparison may seem a little cold, but let’s face it: first dates are very much like interviews. Exude confidence, be comfortable in your own skin, be interested and kind to your first date, and chances are you’ll get a second one. However, there is a window in which most people decide on whether or not they’ll want to see someone again. According to our respondents, 44% of women and 46% of men decide within the first twenty minutes whether or not a second date is in the cards. The good news is that since a previous survey in 2004, both men and women are gradually deciding later and later in the date as to whether or not they want to see each other again. For example, in 2004, almost 80% of guys decided whether or not to take a woman out again within the first 15 minutes!

Dating Material or Relationship Material?
If the chemistry and compatibility is right, most men and women start thinking about when they want see each other again. However, are they merely thinking about a second date, or are they thinking about a relationship? Hold on to your hats, guys: 45% reflected on a first date and then asked yourselves, “Is she relationship material?” On the other hand, almost 51% of women are more likely to consider whether they want a second date or not, while 39% asked themselves if a guy was relationship material.

Even though it seems a lot can happen within the first hour of a date that makes a single decide whether or not they want to see someone again, the best thing to do is just slow it down. Dating, and much like the relationships that can follow, are marathons; not sprints. With all the complex intricacies that can occur on in a first date, it’s tough to expect perfection. If we let our guards down a bit and relax, have fun, be comfortable in our own skin and make our dates comfortable in theirs, you’ll never know what kind of surprises you’ll discover.

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