Warming Things Up on the Second Date Can Impact Your Date's Perceptions

Ok. We’ve all been there. Fighting off the first date jitters can be quite a job.

 A call to the best friend for support, an emergency chat with your therapist (or the first available neighbor at the mailbox) and possibly even a one-sided conversation with your furry pet.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SECOND DATE?

Those first date jitters grew into real anticipation in the past few days and now, expectations of another great time are running high. And here comes the mental hamster wheel:    “What if tonight isn’t as good as last time?” “Were they really that attractive or was it just really excellent lighting?” “What if I LOVE tonight and they decide they don’t want to date anymore?”

Wow! First off,  breathe! The first date ice has been broken and it sounds like the two of you are interested enough in each other for a second date. Remember, dating is just about getting to know some better. That's it.

Second, you have a date to get ready for, so here's a little insight into human perceptions courtesy of Dr. Amy Muise.  In order to keep things going well, you need to warm things up . . . literally.  Research has been done that proves that physical warmth impacts perception of a person’s physiological warmth. What? No really.

Muise, a social psychologist, revealed a study that showed offering a hot cup of coffee as opposed to an iced-coffee to someone, positively influenced the opinion of the receiver of the beverage...the person who was offered something warm (soup, a beverage, whatever) rated the person who offered the warmth as more "friendly" and "trustworthy" as opposed to the participants who were offered something cold. All good opinions, especially for a second date.

So, the lesson? When it’s time to order...BRING ON THE HEAT! Maybe opt for teriyaki instead of sushi, coffee instead of iced tea, and you’ll have a better chance of securing that third date!

*http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/8/9/how-to-warm-things-up-on-your-next-date.html

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Professional Singles and Attraction

How many dates does it usually take for you to decide whether you are attracted to someone or not? It’s Just Lunch asked its Facebook community of professional singles and the answers varied between one and three dates.

Here at It’s Just Lunch, we realize that attraction plays a huge role in the chemistry of dating. In fact, when it comes to determining romantic chemistry, most of the busy professional singles we work with focus very heavily on physical attributes, especially those who look 10 years younger than their actual age as well as those with a strong commitment to fitness and health. It’s only natural to want to be matched up with someone who looks as good and fit as yourself.

The problem with this kind of attraction, however, is that it doesn’t take into account the kind of attraction that is built over a period of time the more you get to know someone. Since time isn’t exactly a luxury for busy singles dating, there are actually a few body language tricks you could use to create instant attraction with someone you are really interested in.

#1) Always smile. Smiles are almost as contagious as sneezes and lets your date know that you are friendly and inviting. Even if you aren’t sure what to say, a smile can go a long way letting your date know that you’re having a great time and enjoy their company.

#2) Keep an open posture. Good body language conveys more than just confidence. It also conveys interest. Are your shoulders and feet facing your date or the door? Are you arms crossed or resting comfortably at your sides? Pay attention to message you’re sending with your body.

#3) Maintain eye contact. Some say that the eyes tell no lies. You can make your date feel uneasy if you’re looking everywhere in the room but at him or her, or you can signal your attraction to your date with a lingering gaze.

#4) Mirror their body language. You can put your date at ease by mimicking their tone of voice or their body language to create an illusion of being in tune with each other. It’s a great way to build rapport with someone new making it easier to connect and communicate.

In general, just be mindful of the way you communicate with your date. Only a small percentage of communication occurs through the words we speak. More than half of all the talking is actually done with your body.

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How do I get a date?

We can get a fabulous dinner easily enough...thank you Open Table!!! We can pick out the perfect car and get a great deal...thank you promotion at work. We even can get new living room furniture WITHOUT leaving the living room.

So, in this day and age of convenience and in a time in our lives when things are running just fine, why is it so hard to get a date?

The problem certainly isn’t that there AREN’T any potentials out there. We see plenty of attractive, well-dressed, successful looking individuals out there. So why don’t we get to meet them? The folks that we really want to meet that is, not the guy who still lives at home with his mom, or your friend’s trainer from the gym who is “really hot”. 

Now, more than ever it can be more difficult for successful people, particularly successful women, to find dates who measure up to their expectations. 

So how do we solve this dilemma? Well, at It’s Just Lunch Toronto, we’ve known how important it is to match our successful clients with quality individuals for more than 20 years. The secret of our success lies in knowing that creating lasting relationships is based on a date with someone who you really want to date again. So, let us set you up on a great date. All you have to do is just show up and enjoy. Mission accomplished. 

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Men are more interested in a relationship than women?

In our Dating Trends survey we asked singles: “When you are on a first date, what thought is going through your head?”  We received an unexpected result: not only did men and women have different top answers, but the first choice given by 47% of men, “Could we have a relationship together?” was one that in the past would have seemed more typical of women.  Instead, women’s top answer, given by 50% of those polled, was the less stressful “Do I want to see him again?”  Our Dating Trends surveys are beginning to show that men and women are becoming more alike in their dating habits and in some areas, they’re beginning to trade places. 

 Another area where men and women are becoming more alike, especially over the last seven years, is in how fast they decide on a first date whether or not they want to see someone again. In 2004, there was a huge disparity, where 79% of men took fifteen minutes or less--and 64% of women took an hour or more! In 2011, 60% of men and 55% of women take twenty minutes or less. Unfortunately these results are not surprising.  We are so used to demanding and getting instant information that we are beginning to become impatient and closed off, sometimes to our own detriment.  

So what should we do?  Maybe we all should slow down a bit when meeting someone for the first time.  Give the relationship time to develop.

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Debunking Dating Myths, Part 1: Setting Expectations

For anyone going on a first date, there are lots of initial questions that can pop into one’s head, ranging from “will I be attracted to them in person?” to “what kind of plans should I make tonight?” It’s Just Lunch recently surveyed singles around the world to get a sense for the “state of the first date”.

Heightened expectations
Do looks really matter? Most people have natural attractions toward others based on hair color, skin color, body types, and so on. Even though we’re constantly inundated with images of sexy celebs and other attractive figures, most of the time we have a general idea of the type of person we like. Some people may have a specific type, while others are a little broader in their perspective—and having a firm opinion either way is a good thing!

However, we did ask both men and women a simple question that seems to come up time and time again. Does height really matter?  The results aren’t surprising. Typically, two out of three men want to date women who are shorter than they are, and they believe women want the same thing. Ladies, you overwhelmingly responded that you’d like to date guys who are taller, and believe men are on the same page. So what’s the takeaway if we all already knew this? Guys, do not fib about your height before going on a date. Adding an inch or two (no pun intended) really won’t help your cause, from a statistical standpoint.

However, when it comes to sheer attractiveness, women may not have guys figured out after all. We separately asked men and women if guys prefer looks to brains. Most women believe they do. However the guys told a different story: a majority of men would date someone who is smart over someone who just brings a pretty face to bring to the table. Ladies, use the power of wit and confidence to overwhelm your guy on a date.  Trust us, he’ll appreciate it.

The Money Question
When it comes to money, this question comes up on a date both directly and indirectly (and we’ll cover the direct part in a second.) According to our survey, both men and women candidly agreed that they want the other to make more money, which kind of brings us to an impasse. However, from what we can deduce, this isn’t about who brings home a larger paycheck. This is simply a matter of being on equal footing. While it’s nice to be able to pay for dinner or treat someone to an outing, it’s also nice to get some reciprocity once in a while.

On that note, our survey results revealed that seven out of ten women don’t always want the guy to pay the bill—and guys believed the same thing. Picking up the tab is certainly a nice gesture on a first or second dinner date, but it often isn’t required. The way we see it, if the guy picks up a tab at dinner; ladies, if you’re clicking along and having fun, treat him to an after dinner drink. Guys, if your date kindly insists on splitting the bill at dinner and you’re heading out for more fun, pick up her movie or drink tab later in the night.

To close out Part 1 of our survey, we asked both men and women the following question: “would women rather have champagne and lobster or burgers and a beer.” Again, the results were pretty clear on both sides, with 71% of men and an 82% of women responding that burgers and beers trump lobster and bubbly on a first or second date. Why? Simply put, the point of dating is to get to know someone. While it’s certainly important to impress, a nice yet casual dinner puts both men and women at ease and allows both personalities to emerge naturally. Head to a fancy restaurant, and you might not be as open as you think. Relaxed confidence is always sexy, so be human when you’re starting out and you might just click with your date better than you initially think.

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Real Chemistry Happens Face-To-Face

Dating can be complicated in today's modern world.  Busy professionals have a demanding work environment and daily commitments that make it difficult to find time for dinner -- let alone browsing online profiles, cruising the bars or enduring yet another blind date.

While technology makes communication easier, it doesn't necessarily make it easier to date, and a group of U.S. psychology professors released a report last week explaining why there is no substitute for face-to-face connections.

According to the review published in this month’s issue of the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest, online dating has three key services: expansion of one's dating pool, the ability to communicate with a potential partner prior to meeting them in person and the service selecting a match based upon an algorithm.  

The key assumption, according to the report, is that two people will experience better romantic outcomes "because the individuals are more romantically compatible from the start."

But Eli Finkel, psychology professor at Northwestern University and one of the  authors, says the typical online dating site doesn't improve one's chance of meeting a compatible mate for you can't judge chemistry. According to the report, the sites may be able to predict who appeals to an individual "in a profile but not necessarily in person." 

Finkel said in a recent article about the report, "There's no better way to figure out whether you're compatible with somebody than talking to them over a cup of coffee or a pint of beer."

And Jacquie Brownridge, director of It's Just Lunch in Toronto, Vancouver and Victoria, couldn't agree more.  

"You don't make a genuine connection with someone through texting.  But when you meet someone in person and share a meal, you see how they interact with you and the people around you," said Brownridge. "That's where true chemistry happens. Face-to-face and person-to-person."

From an article of February 2012 Women's Health Magazine, "Feeling a spark on a first date has less to do with looks and more to do with how at easy your feel, according to a recent survey of 5,000 singles by dating service It's Just Lunch." 

According to the IJL survey, 66% of singles say that on a first date, chemistry is more important to them than compatibility.  But what do they mean by chemistry?  Though 20% are sparked by physical attractiveness, and 7% by flirty or sexy banter, the clear winner is neither of those. Instead, it’s “feeling comfortable together,” the answer selected by 44% of the singles -- and surprisingly 49% of men.

When asked what people look for in terms of measuring the success of a first date, the number one item, with 45% of the vote, was “I felt comfortable being myself.”

Comfortable is definitely the magic word. There are things you can do to make someone feel more comfortable. But there is only so much you can do. There’s also a mysterious side to being comfortable with somebody that has nothing to do with any action you can take. It’s just . . . chemistry.

And, as we stated before, that can only happen face-to-face.


Sources:

• Report: Psychological Science in the Public Interest
• Article:  Online Cupids May Miss The Mark
• Article: Report: Online dating isn't the likely route to Mr. or Ms. Right

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Dating, Chemistry and Timing

After interviewing a lot of single men and women on their dating experiences, It’s Just Lunch managed to get some real, inside information on what men and women are really looking for when they meet someone for the first time. We’ve offered tips on making a good first impression, flirting and wordplay, and tips for both sexes on what they expect out of someone on a first date. However, through all the tips and tricks, sometimes it just comes down to chemistry and timing. So what are those two seemingly nebulous yet important parts of a date? 

You Can’t Force Chemistry… But You Can Coax It Along
So what is chemistry? Most people aren’t sure exactly what it is, but they know it when they feel it. If you have good chemistry with someone, such as on a first date, you’ll want to pursue more time with him or her. If there is bad chemistry, then it’s unlikely you’ll want to see each other again. Whatever the case, most singles – almost 66% of our respondents – said that chemistry is the single most important part of a first date; more so than even initial compatibility. While a couple may not be perfect on paper, a first date may reveal a lot more than what is in a profile. In fact, almost 44% of singles said that if they “felt comfortable being themselves” it meant the first date was a success. And listen up, ladies: 49% of men said that being able to feel comfortable as themselves on a first date was a sure sign of a good one.

 On occasion, there will be times where a first date will reveal no chemistry whatsoever. While this isn’t a bad thing, it might mean that one person wasn’t comfortable opening up, or perhaps there was mutual defensiveness on both sides. Again, while you can’t necessarily force chemistry, you can take some of the tips we have covered on www.itsjustlunchvancouverblog.com to help coax it in the right direction.

Confidence Has A Lot To Do With Interviewing… That, and Timing
The comparison may seem a little cold, but let’s face it: first dates are very much like interviews. Exude confidence, be comfortable in your own skin, be interested and kind to your first date, and chances are you’ll get a second one. However, there is a window in which most people decide on whether or not they’ll want to see someone again. According to our respondents, 44% of women and 46% of men decide within the first twenty minutes whether or not a second date is in the cards. The good news is that since a previous survey in 2004, both men and women are gradually deciding later and later in the date as to whether or not they want to see each other again. For example, in 2004, almost 80% of guys decided whether or not to take a woman out again within the first 15 minutes!

Dating Material or Relationship Material?
If the chemistry and compatibility is right, most men and women start thinking about when they want see each other again. However, are they merely thinking about a second date, or are they thinking about a relationship? Hold on to your hats, guys: 45% reflected on a first date and then asked yourselves, “Is she relationship material?” On the other hand, almost 51% of women are more likely to consider whether they want a second date or not, while 39% asked themselves if a guy was relationship material.

Even though it seems a lot can happen within the first hour of a date that makes a single decide whether or not they want to see someone again, the best thing to do is just slow it down. Dating, and much like the relationships that can follow, are marathons; not sprints. With all the complex intricacies that can occur on in a first date, it’s tough to expect perfection. If we let our guards down a bit and relax, have fun, be comfortable in our own skin and make our dates comfortable in theirs, you’ll never know what kind of surprises you’ll discover.

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