Dating Pitfalls: "If Only . . ." Trap

"If only I could win the lottery."
"If only I would've taken that job."
"If only I could meet a nice, job-stable man."
"If only there was a decent girl in Toronto to marry."

Oh, the list goes on. The allure of the "if only" is that we utter it when things aren't going the way we want or expected. It's our way of saying that "if only" this occurred, our lives would be better, fuller, etc.

"The phrase “if only” is the spandex of rationalization. It can stretch as far as we need it to in order to accommodate the list of considerations we want to include," according to an article on Psychology Today entitled "The Two Words You Have to Stop Using" by Peg O'Connor Ph.D.

Those two words can lead you to dwell on the past or ruminate on mistakes without moving forward. It has the power to displace responsibility or take ownership of upcoming events off your shoulders. "If only" takes the reins from you and doesn't allow you to lead yourself down a chosen path to fulfillment.

It can lead to bitterness, resentment and hopelessness in your dating situation. Dating is meant to be fun and full of hope, opportunities and (realistic) expectations.

The three keys from breaking out of the "if only" trap are simple, easy and well worth the effort:

1) Stop Measuring Yourself
Don't dwell on what others have, can do or are wearing. Appreciate what you have to offer in a relationship and know that the right person will recognize it in you. Tell yourself that you are great just the way you are rather than "if only . . .". Leaving a great impression in your mind will actually give you a positive outlook -- on you and dating.

2) Focus on What You Have
It's human nature to find what we are lacking and lament upon it. Instead, shift your perspective and look for what you have. Great friends, excellent job and a great curling draw. By looking for what is right in your world, you stop ruminating on what could be "if only."

3) Postivity Breeds Positivity
Surround yourself with people who treat you with the love and respect you deserve. If you find yourself surrounded by overly critical or negative people, perhaps it is time to do a bit of weeding in your relationships. Dating can be a very vulnerable time and having a supportive, positive network of friends will breed the same in you.

Resources:

• Psychology Today.com: Two Words You Need to Stop Using

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The Best Question to Ask on a First Date

Everyone faces challenges, no matter their economic status or age. Talking about them helps us to bond with those around us. In fact, it helps to open the doors to sharing priorities and what is important to them.

According to the former head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program Robin Dreeke via an article by Eric Barker, the best question to ask someone, even on a first date, is about the challenges they face. Dreeke goes on to suggest asking "What kind of challenges did you have at work this week?" or "What kind of challenges do you have living in this part of the country?"

This isn't opening a door for complaining but rather seeing how a person perceives their upcoming obstacles and find ways to overcome them. Be sure to take the role of supportive cheerleader or coach, and don't spiral into a Negative Nelly conversation.

Asking about their challenges shows a geniune interest in their life, and them.

Happy Dating

Resources:

• Eric Barker's "How to Get People to Like You" 

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Warming Things Up on the Second Date Can Impact Your Date's Perceptions

Ok. We’ve all been there. Fighting off the first date jitters can be quite a job.

 A call to the best friend for support, an emergency chat with your therapist (or the first available neighbor at the mailbox) and possibly even a one-sided conversation with your furry pet.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SECOND DATE?

Those first date jitters grew into real anticipation in the past few days and now, expectations of another great time are running high. And here comes the mental hamster wheel:    “What if tonight isn’t as good as last time?” “Were they really that attractive or was it just really excellent lighting?” “What if I LOVE tonight and they decide they don’t want to date anymore?”

Wow! First off,  breathe! The first date ice has been broken and it sounds like the two of you are interested enough in each other for a second date. Remember, dating is just about getting to know some better. That's it.

Second, you have a date to get ready for, so here's a little insight into human perceptions courtesy of Dr. Amy Muise.  In order to keep things going well, you need to warm things up . . . literally.  Research has been done that proves that physical warmth impacts perception of a person’s physiological warmth. What? No really.

Muise, a social psychologist, revealed a study that showed offering a hot cup of coffee as opposed to an iced-coffee to someone, positively influenced the opinion of the receiver of the beverage...the person who was offered something warm (soup, a beverage, whatever) rated the person who offered the warmth as more "friendly" and "trustworthy" as opposed to the participants who were offered something cold. All good opinions, especially for a second date.

So, the lesson? When it’s time to order...BRING ON THE HEAT! Maybe opt for teriyaki instead of sushi, coffee instead of iced tea, and you’ll have a better chance of securing that third date!

*http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/8/9/how-to-warm-things-up-on-your-next-date.html

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