Matchmaking: Canada versus China

As a professional matchmaker, you can imagine my surprise when I saw the Globe & Mail feature a front page story today titled “THE MATCHMAKER OF LOWER QIANTAN” (Jan 16, 2013).  Was this the face of a new competitor entering the Canadian market?

No. But it was an incredibly interesting article about the challenges in meeting a mate in modern China, where men outnumber women 118 to 100. It’s part of the China Diaries, a series of articles providing insight into life in the world’s most populated nation.

The article, written by Mark MacKinnon, focuses in on life in the remote area of Lower Qiantan. This is a small village of 700 in the remote Mountains of Hunan Province. There are 80 single men with no match in sight! Across China, a severe shortage of women make it hard and expensive to find a wife. How different than here in Canada where the ranks of successful professional women find their world devoid of eligible men!

The 98 year old local matchmaker, Long Hongxiang, stands just over 3 feet tall, and has arranged the vast majority of marriages over the last 80 years that she has practiced her trade. In the pre-revolutionary days, she would set up matches at the front gates of homes with eligible females. The betrothed would not even meet until the wedding. Love was something you worked on afterwards. Divorce…unheard of. Today, the vast shortage of women mean that the families of the single men must offer a vast dowry in order to have their offer of marriage even considered.

Well folks, dating might seem challenging here in Canada, but  its mostly all fun in comparison.  I can honestly say I have never ben asked to negotiate a dowry! And in our service…yes, you get to meet face to face! I do hear many single women, particularly hose over 40, say that there are just no single men. But the facts don’t really support this. The Canadian population is fairly evenly split by sex until age 70+, when we begin to see the impact of women outliving their male counterparts.

So why does this perception exist? I think it traces to the fact that many women become very specific when they look for a mate, and this process narrows the field down prematurely. One of my most interesting observations is that when I get the chance to meet a couple who have been married 10+ years, I find that in many cases, the mate that they selected and are very happy with, would not have fit their ’list’. But for some fortuitous reason, Fate brought them together. And Fate was correct.

So here’s my suggestion for Canadian Singles in 2013. For the men, be happy you face even odds here in Canada. You won’t need to ask your family to raise a dowry for find a woman! Just be yourself, and take some time to connect, and you should be fine.

And for women…maybe its time to open up your ‘list’. Don’t focus on being overly specific. Take the time to get to know someone who seems to share the same values and goals. And you may find Fate is on your side.

And speaking of Fate…I must say I like the ancient Chinese belief that every marriage you arrange adds 3 years to the matchmakers life!

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Finding a Mate tops this Years New Years resolution for Singles

The start of a New Year offers an ideal time for each of us to take a look at our lives, and make a few resolutions to enhance our existence! For many Canadians, losing weight, and cleaning up surroundings top the list. But for the millions of singles, finding their soul mate is usually Number 1.

So if this sounds like you, I would ask you to consider a new strategy to achieve your goal. As Einstein said, the definition of Insanity is Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome. And as a matchmaker, I think this definitely applies to dating.

An ever popular, and yet so unsuccessful strategy is to head out on New Years Eve with a few single friends, imbibe in the spirit of the night, and hope to ‘bump into that perfect mate’ who has eluded you all these years. If life were a fairy tale, then this would be a great strategy! If you are single, you may ever have tried this once or twice. But the probability in this complex world, that your future soul mate will just happen to be at the same bar at 11:59 pm New Years Eve is unfortunately highly unlikely.

So I would recommend a more structured approach to such an important quest.

One option would be to connect your goal of meeting someone, with another popular goal – getting in shape. There can be magic in this combination. So join a health club, or take up Yoga. You might just meet someone who at least shares your goal of a healthier lifestyle. And even if you don’t, you will be energized, feel better about yourself, and frankly, be a more attractive date.

Increasingly, busy singles are looking to dating services to help increase their probability of finding a good match. And this time of year, the numbers support the popularity of this choice. Many online dating sites report traffic increases of 15-20%.

Online dating sites typically provide an online profile of each member that can help you screen to what you perceive as a promising match. This can help you whittle the ‘thousands in your city’ down to ‘hundreds’. Just keep in mind that these profiles are self-authored, and may somewhat overstate the interests, attributes and activities. And with the large numbers now connecting through these sites, you may end up feeling like you have just signed up for a second job!

So for the truly busy, I would recommend they consider talking to a professional matchmaker. The advantage that this offers is that a real person, who is a specialist in matching couples, will get to know you, and work within their networks to find what they believe may be a great match. This can be a major advantage. Asking a dating expert to get to know you, and suggest matches that they believe could be a great fit for you, changes the game. Your personal ‘filters’ and ‘lists’, which may have led you to completely overlook potentially promising matches in your past, become less of a factor. And you may be surprised how much you enjoy being with a match selected just for you by a dating expert.

Another big plus is that most Professional Matchmakers will do all the logistic work for you, checking both your calendars, selecting a venue, and making the arrangements. So all you have to do is show up and have fun! And the better matchmakers will also follow up to get your thoughts on their latest match, to help guide their future selections.

And here is one interesting tidbit that I have observed over my years as a matchmaker. When I meet happily married couples who have been together at least 7 years, I often ask them if their spouse would have been on their initial ‘shopping list.’ And far more often than not, the answer is no. But when they met, they sensed chemistry and attraction.

So if finding a mate is on your 2013 To Do List, get on it today.  But take some advice from both me, and Einstein, and try a different approach.

Remember…Valentines Day is just 6 weeks away!

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