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Wednesday 24 September 2014

The "Fizzle" of Modern Dating

According to an article on Thought Catalogue.com, modern dates start with a text, IM or email before progressing to the "meeting" stage. Then, technology connections continue right up until the date. The big event happens. Dinner is consumed. Exchange of pleasantries or cheek pecks at the end of the night. Then a few texts the next day or two.

And then the "fizzle" happens.  This occurs "when one or both parties slowly begin to respond less and less to the other’s texts. Sometimes the feeling is mutual. Sometimes one person is interested and the other is clearly not. It continues to a point where the texting just stops. And just like that, it is over."

The fizzle avoids the "talk" where you tell the person that you aren't interested or that there isn't much chemistry between you. It's like the slow decline that transitions the relationship from "can't wait to meet you" to no longer talking.

While it sidesteps the confrontation, there is still a bit of rejection and awkwardness. The other party is checking their phone to see if you have texted and asking friends to send a text just to make sure their handheld technology is working as it should.

The fizzle and its frustrations can be handled directly by using a bit of old school etiquette. If at the end of the date you don't see this going any where, don't make false promises about what comes next. Be honest. Tell them what you enjoyed about meeting them and let them know that you don't feel the chemistry.

If you are interested but caught in the "fizzle" stage, drop your date one follow-up email or text. If you don't get a response, cut your emotional ties right away. Don't dwell on what may have gone wrong or assume you know why the other person has disappeared from your inbox. There are other people out there waiting in the wings to meet you.

If it ends with the fizzle or with face-to-face conversation, don't sweat it. There are tons of other singles out there. Shake it off and get back into the dating pool.

In the end, it comes down to treating the other person with respect and kindness. Be honest and treat them as you would want to be treated.

Wednesday 17 September 2014

6 Ways to Be More Present with Your Date

We've all seen it. There's a good chance we have all done it. The couple at a table at the local coffee house or sharing a table at the local pub. Instead of smiling and engaged in a lively discussion, the man and woman's eyes are glued to the screen of their smartscreens. They are reading wall posts, Tweets and RSS feeds from people miles away.

Time and again, in surveys and in raw feedback from clients, we hear about technology getting in the way of the dating process. Literally. This includes taking a call or answering a text during dinner. It includes sharing pics of your meal via social media. It includes picking up your digital lifeline every time there is a notification.

Do we need to be in constant connection with the world that we forget the ones right in front of us?

Technology has its place, but it doesn't have to be between two people trying to connect on a first date or during their 12th year of marriage. It's within our power to use it wisely.

To that end, here are six ways to be more present with your date:

1) When you are on a date, be ON THE DATE. Don't just put your phone on the table. Put it in your purse, leave it in the car or turn it off. Once it is out of site, it's less likely to distract you and it shows your date that they are a priority. Focus on the person sitting across from you.Make the evening about them and not just use them to fill the gaps between notifications.

2) Explain situations to your date. I know that there isn't a separation between work and personal time sometimes. Or perhaps the children are torturing the babysitter. Tell your date the issue. "I've been waiting on a call from my boss to see if I have to fly out on Thursday for a meeting in Toronto. If he calls, I need to answer, but it will only be a moment. For now, tell me about yourself (or your day)."

3) Create boundaries and keep them. Don't be on your best behaviour regarding phone etiquette for the first or second date before lapsing into your handheld obsession. Always put the other person first.

4) Ask open ended questions. Show them that you are interested in them and what they have to say. Ask questions about them, their likes or weekend activities that go beyond a one-word answer. It shows you are into them, and it will make them a bit more into you.

5) When your attention wanes, remember to respect the other person. Sometimes on a first date, there isn't much in the way of chemistry. Or perhaps you just aren't in the mood for another encounter at the token Italian restaurant. Instead of turning your attention to the TV over their shoulder, the girl at the table next to yours or even your phone, remember the Golden Rule and treat your date the way you would want to be treated. Being present for an hour may reveal that the two of you had more in common than you originally thought.

6) The eyes have it. Where your eyes are is where your attention is. Eye contact and a great smile will disarm many anxious dates.

These tips are really nothing more than manner reminders. If someone has made the effort to meet you for a casual dinner date, make sure they are meeting the best of you.

Wednesday 3 September 2014

Clear the Self-Doubt Dating Hurdles - Trust Yourself More

Whether it is the time you turned down a promotion because you didn't think you could do it or started biting your nails again because you believed you lacked the discipline to kick the handy habit, we've all been plagued by self-doubt.

Self-doubt is the little voice that leads you to believe you can't, shouldn't try or that you will without a doubt fail. It's the voice that says what you have to offer won't be perfect, that someone won't instantly love you and that everything you do is subject for judgement.

According to an article on FastCompany.com regarding overcoming self-doubt, "failure, not being perfect, mistakes, not having people agree with me, not being completely accepted: these are not negative things. They’re positive."

Wait . . .rejection positive? Exposure to rejection helps us to see things beyond our immediate world. Rejection doesn't mean there is something wrong with you -- it just means your personality traits or values aren't in league with someone elses. It means you are unique and that you don't have to fit within the "norm" to find someone who loves you.

By seeing rejection as maybe more of a "non-compatible" sign, we can get over the fear and self-doubt of dating. Embrace meeting someone and seeing the world through their unique perspective as a learning experience and not one of judgment.

The article by Leo Babauta suggests that with practice, we can start to jump over the self-doubt hurdles that hold us back. He also believes we should:


  • Push past our discomfort and find healthy ways to deal with it
  • Learn to trust yourself more (you're better, smarter and stronger than you believe)
  • Go into situations not knowing the outcome - be okay with that
  • Learn, fail, repeat


Dating is about getting to know someone a bit better. The true benefit of dating is that you also get to know yourself better.


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